Aaron Gillespie

Motto: Short and Sweet (the Christine Fraker special)

 > I’ve got two jobs now. I haven’t started either yet, but lets just say that if you want to get a movie and you are in Emporia, you’ll be dealing with me. Blockbuster, and the theatre. No I can’t let you see movies for free, because it’s not cool as an employee and I just don’t particularly like you. So eat shoot and die. Hopefully I can get 45 hours or so between the two.

 > I don’t’ really have much else to say, really. I attended another bigoted preaching festival on Wescoe beach today.

 > Every kiss begins with Kay. Other than smootches, pecks, and uh….. I don’t know.

 > I saw a stand-up comedian on Comedy Central yesterday who was sitting down during his routine. It was a oxymoron like no other.

 > I was really just looking to say that I got a job (or two) I don’t have any more “classes” until summer. But I’ve gotta take 3 finals and write a five page paper…. So I’m not done yet.

Top 5: Things I want to buy with all my cash that will roll in

5. A skateboard (I miss being in shape)

4. The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (leather-bound)

3. “The Complete Far Side”

2. A TV that doesn’t suck.

1. I still want a PS3.

Quotes:

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Motto: If I ever leave this world alive…

 > I’m pissed because of Burlington’s Barnstormers tour game with the KU seniors. I’m not playing in it even though I really want to, when Nick and Lance are both playing in it when don’t really even want to. Burlington, WTF man. How about throwing your former home-away-from-home kid a bone?

 > Today on campus I stumbled across a couple of old guys who took it upon themselves to preach the teachings of God and Jesus our savior to all the college students. I see now how religious wars get started. When you can look at a group of people in the eyes and tell them they are all terrible people, sinners, will be going to hell, Jesus will kill you, a bunch of “Faggots and lesbians,” and tell them they are Satan, I guess I could see where you’d be radical enough to throw some punches. Luckily, the group sitting before them didn’t feel the need to resort to any form of physical violence, although it probably could have been justified if they did. I’m glad they didn’t, I really don’t understand how these guys could think they were doing ANYBODY any good. They didn’t make God or Christianity attractive, they threatened and called names and fouled their speeches up with all sorts of hypocritical bullshit such as telling a college student that he was “going to hell for judging (the preachy guy)” when, first off- that statement alone is a judgmental statement, and second off, calling a bunch of college age kids Masturbators isn’t being judgmental. If they ACTUALLY wanted to convert anybody to being Christian, they would have had to had a heart attack sent to them from God for being such shitty messengers. I’m not saying that I wished death upon them, because I honestly don’t; I just wish they could open their eyes to something other than what the Bible says word-for-word. I can tell you that I’ve explored my options when it comes to that, so I’m allowed to pick whatever I want to pick because I made an informed decision.

 > Court TV has changed their name to “tru TV” and their slogan is “not “reality,” ‘Actuality.’” I find that funny because no matter what you call it, it’s still dramatized for television audiences… and even if it wasn’t, it’s still TV. The only way that TV could approach “real” would be if they had a channel that showed you sitting there watching TV doing nothing on your couch. That’s actuality. I do believe TV has a point, but “Reality” or “Actuality” TV is not it.

 > Look at me, being all high and mighty college kid like I used to be. I should write something immature and surface level to save face.

 > I took a dump today. I at 6 pieces of pizza at the mandatory floor meeting while some people didn’t have any. I saw people there who I literally have never seen before, even though they have lived on my floor for the entire year. I

Top 5: Ultimate Superheros (going by fame)

5. Quailman

4. The X Men

3. Batman.

2. Spiderman.

1. Superman.

Quotes:

“ It’s Good, You Don’t have Much to Do Until You can Turn that In “
         - Carey Voeller, my poetry teacher (who has a PhD in English) about my paper which managed to find seriousness in both the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the band Nutsnack -

Motto: I have Exercised the Demons

 > Okay, I’ve decided that closing down the column completely is about rash- rash in this case meaning “sudden,” not meaning “skin inflammation.” Maybe I was acting a little melodramatic or something. If I didn’t know better I’d think I was female. (OH SHIT! SUPER BURN 5000!) I suppose it was just the stresses of college finals and 18 pages worth of writing assignments being due all at once that kind of came down on me. My bad.

 > However, there will be some changes in the columns. I’ll be much less formal (and shit) and probably go back to more surface-level issues rather than the super-dooper deep issues residing somewhere in the pre-frontal cortex of my brain (where most of your problem solving and shit gets done: the brain works in layers, the outside layer is the most advanced- this is due to evolution… or if you are strictly Christian and reject evolution this is because God wanted your head to work kind of like a sandwich works.) This won’t be to say that I’m going to dumb the column down to a 7^th grade level. I’ll probably just let it hover somewhere around the summer after 8^th grade level. Plus I will no longer be holding back on the obscene (testicles-boobies-shit-poop-bitch-ass-wangsta-Rosie O’Donald) or the offensive (I’m bigger than Jesus-yay for abortion-down with whitey-Rosie O’Donald) or the plain old wrong (cheat on your taxes because you are rich and can do whatever you want-clevland steamer-pearl necklace-fetishes-Rosie O’Donald) and I will no longer be scared to deal with things like big ugly fat stupid loud-mouthed lesbians (I can’t think of an example to put here) anymore.

 > I’ve got to go #2. (#2 referring to the bowel movement and not the variety of pencil needed for tests.)

 > Oh yeah, back to the changes in the column. Mostly this will updated in the summer, when I’ve got boring-ass jobs to go to and I can sit around all day and think of really stupid shit to write about on a website. At which point, I will probably have much funnier, easier to read, and more frequent updates. They probably won’t be as swear-word saturated either, (mom and dad) I am just now letting up on my block against them so I’m taking advantage of my new abilities, like a red-neck who wins the lottery and then buys a bigger trailer, and a real weddin’ ring for his wife (whom he met at the local taco bell, and later found out was his twin).

 > I’ll leave with you with a short poem, which I will make up right now:

“Sasquatch reads the Column”

Sasquatch is my name bitch,

My species has no niche,

In my pic you can tell,

That I don’t walk to well,

and I’m big and fuzzy,

But yo’ momma loves me,

I read Aaron’s column,

Love the way he calls em,

Yes you can make that rhyme,

Because I said so.

And I’m Big Foot.

Who are you?

That’s what I thought.

Peace, Gangsta.

Top 5: Writing Utensils

5. Regular Pencils- There is a function for their size vs. their life-expectancy. But they suck.

4. Pens- They are unpredictable. Sometimes they need a lot of coaxing before they work, sometimes they work when they aren’t supposed to.

3. Stick in the dirt- A.K.A. Calculators in Africa

2. Your finger and blood- great for that last ditch effort to identify your killer

1. Mechanical Pencils. They are like Pencils from the future.

Quotes:

“ Put Something in There about Me so I can Read My Name and Be Happy “
         - Jon Sliter. There I Did. Be Happy -

” Cause it’s written by man about how it began, an intelligent design in the back of a van. Damn! What is your proof circular logic in place of the truth- this will offend you, there’s a good chance, We’re bigger than Jesus- Especially in the Pants “
         - Nutsnack. There. I Said It. (actually I’m using this in a paper for college, well, I’ll probably leave out the Jesus part) –