Aaron Gillespie

Motto: I have Exercised the Demons

 

 > Okay, I’ve decided that closing down the column completely is about rash- rash in this case meaning “sudden,” not meaning “skin inflammation.” Maybe I was acting a little melodramatic or something. If I didn’t know better I’d think I was female. (OH SHIT! SUPER BURN 5000!) I suppose it was just the stresses of college finals and 18 pages worth of writing assignments being due all at once that kind of came down on me. My bad.

 

 > However, there will be some changes in the columns. I’ll be much less formal (and shit) and probably go back to more surface-level issues rather than the super-dooper deep issues residing somewhere in the pre-frontal cortex of my brain (where most of your problem solving and shit gets done: the brain works in layers, the outside layer is the most advanced- this is due to evolution… or if you are strictly Christian and reject evolution this is because God wanted your head to work kind of like a sandwich works.) This won’t be to say that I’m going to dumb the column down to a 7^th grade level. I’ll probably just let it hover somewhere around the summer after 8^th grade level. Plus I will no longer be holding back on the obscene (testicles-boobies-shit-poop-bitch-ass-wangsta-Rosie O’Donald) or the offensive (I’m bigger than Jesus-yay for abortion-down with whitey-Rosie O’Donald) or the plain old wrong (cheat on your taxes because you are rich and can do whatever you want-clevland steamer-pearl necklace-fetishes-Rosie O’Donald) and I will no longer be scared to deal with things like big ugly fat stupid loud-mouthed lesbians (I can’t think of an example to put here) anymore.

 > I’ve got to go #2. (#2 referring to the bowel movement and not the variety of pencil needed for tests.)

 

 > Oh yeah, back to the changes in the column. Mostly this will updated in the summer, when I’ve got boring-ass jobs to go to and I can sit around all day and think of really stupid shit to write about on a website. At which point, I will probably have much funnier, easier to read, and more frequent updates. They probably won’t be as swear-word saturated either, (mom and dad) I am just now letting up on my block against them so I’m taking advantage of my new abilities, like a red-neck who wins the lottery and then buys a bigger trailer, and a real weddin’ ring for his wife (whom he met at the local taco bell, and later found out was his twin).

 > I’ll leave with you with a short poem, which I will make up right now:

 

“Sasquatch reads the Column”

 

Sasquatch is my name bitch,

My species has no niche,

In my pic you can tell,

That I don’t walk to well,

and I’m big and fuzzy,

But yo’ momma loves me,

I read Aaron’s column,

Love the way he calls em,

Yes you can make that rhyme,

Because I said so.

And I’m Big Foot.

Who are you?

That’s what I thought.

Peace, Gangsta.

 

 

Top 5: Writing Utensils

 

5. Regular Pencils- There is a function for their size vs. their life-expectancy. But they suck.

 

4. Pens- They are unpredictable. Sometimes they need a lot of coaxing before they work, sometimes they work when they aren’t supposed to.

 

 

3. Stick in the dirt- A.K.A. Calculators in Africa

 

2. Your finger and blood- great for that last ditch effort to identify your killer

 

1. Mechanical Pencils. They are like Pencils from the future.

Quotes:

“ Put Something in There about Me so I can Read My Name and Be Happy “
         - Jon Sliter. There I Did. Be Happy -

” Cause it’s written by man about how it began, an intelligent design in the back of a van. Damn! What is your proof circular logic in place of the truth- this will offend you, there’s a good chance, We’re bigger than Jesus- Especially in the Pants “
         - Nutsnack. There. I Said It. (actually I’m using this in a paper for college, well, I’ll probably leave out the Jesus part) –

 

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 4th, 2008 at 9:56 pm and is filed under columns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.